Despite it all, I always thought that I had lived a charmed life. I had never risen to any great heights in anything I had done. In early adulthood I was shy and insecure. I was always a bit of an outsider. But I got to a point after some trials and tribulations that I was comfortable in my own skin. Happy enough with who I was. Smart enough without being brainy. Happy to graft away at work in order to live comfortably at home. Great ambition had been left on the backburner. Always aware that I possessed a few flaws and perhaps some gifts that I never utilised. But I lived a charmed life, nonetheless.
I had a secure job. A house. My family always supported me. I was fit and healthy. I did wonder at times if fate would hunt me down eventually.
And it did.
The last few years have certainly been a trial. My sister Joanne died unexpectedly in January 2022. Linda’s cancer returned not long after that. She battled bravely and lived her life as well as she could but the demon, inevitably, caught her in the end. I had a few minor health issues that I am done with now. But I do feel I have been through the wringer. My charmed life turned on its head!
But I am still here and battling on. Before she died Linda never ordered me to do anything. Didn’t want me to live my life for her. She had lived fully and gamely herself. She just told me to be happy. And I am trying. This charmed life is just a bit cloudy at the moment.
I have had a bit of a tough day. It’s dark, dank and wet in Canberra today. It mirrors my mood. Affects it perhaps? I got up feeling sad. Sad for myself. Sad for Linda. Kidded myself that deep grief has passed and been replaced by a melancholy that was soaking me. Then started looking at photos. Listening to sad music. And realised that the deep grief is still lurking, like a predator waiting for an innocent victim to pass by. But I am okay.
It strikes me that the saddest thing is not that Linda passed before her time, it’s that those who really loved her have to continue on without her. We built a life that only I can continue. And that’s not fair.
We live life in chapters. I often think about the life my parents had before I was born. The relationships they had with family and friends they loved. People I never or barely knew. They have lived a lot and seen a lot. I hope they see a lot more yet.
I could live another 30 years or more, God willing. Another chapter of life. Linda and I weren’t halfway through the life we had together. Yet I have to go on without her. I think about her grandsons who won’t remember her as the girls and I and her friends do. About those who come along later for whom she will only ever be a name recounted in memories. We will struggle to describe the most unique person we ever knew.
I’m not a man in a dark room looking for the exit anymore. But I am on a dimly lit path looking ahead, knowing I will make it to the brighter lights but still dreading the journey that remains.
When I weigh it up, I guess I still come down on the positive side of the ledger. Life is still a charm. I move ahead remembering what Linda told me. Live life and be happy. I’m trying.
Until next time.
Strange Notations From a Laborious Life 